Review: Crystal Starbeam and the Heart Sword of Jamerica

17th Aug 2008

Belle: Dear Readers: I apologise for Withholding from you the delights of our reviews but Sadly one of our readers had the unmitigated gall to send us Fan Fiction. As you know, Claire and I despise fan fiction. We do not pursue it legally because we believe in freedom of speech, but it is vile and all those who write it are despicable plagiarists scavenging from the works of Real Authors like vultures scavenging a maggot-ridden corpse.

Webmistress Niki: Belle was a little upset, so we took a brief hiatus from reviews.

Claire: But, Belle, don’t you think it’s important for us to encourage young writers, even when they’re scavenging from our corpses? Sometimes a little baby vulture just needs some carrion to get started with! Didn’t you become a writer because you wanted to give Paradise Lost a better ending?

Belle: Claire! Paradise Unlost is a thrilling story of Lucifer building beautiful new wings and flying back to heaven and God apologising! It is Literature, not Fan Fiction. It is nothing like THIS:

Crystal Starbeam and the Heart Sword of Jamerica by Crystal Starbeam.

“Hi Xantony,” Said his mother Andriana who was Queen of Riadorf. “This is your cousin Crystal who’s the adopted daughter of my sister Kelsey. She’s from the planet Jamerica.”

“Hi Xantony,” said the silver-tressed girl with pink glitter barettes in her silver hair. She was five foot eight with a perfect figure who looked like a model and she had deep eyes that were sometimes violet like the dawn and sometimes black like midnight. She also had silver black and violet wings. “Wow your handsome.”

“Thanks!” said Xantony, Crown prince of Riadorf. “You look like a model.”

“XANTONY!!!” yelled his husband Francoque really loudly. “You can’t talk to anyone! Youc an only talk to me!!” And then he slapped him!

Xantony fell into the wall and looked really sad!

“Don’t hurt my adopted cousin!!” Said Crystal. She drew a shining sword from her heart which glowed with a pure pink light. “HEART SWORD IMMOLATION!”

“OH NO!!” Francoque yelled. “My heart! Because it is black it is burning!” And he died.

“Wow thanks Crystal.” Xantony said. “No one would stand up to Frankcqoue before. You have saved me!!”

Crystal blushed and looked really pretty, like a model. “I could only save you because I love you!” she said. “That’ how my magic works I guess.”

“You should get married said Adrianara. “I am a lawyer.”


Webmistress Niki: Jesus Haploid Christ.

Claire: What? No, Jesus wasn’t in Belle’s story!

Belle: It’s difficult to know where to start. First, Jamerica does not appear in any of the extant maps of the Dorgian Galaxy.

Claire: I think the big problem is that the author wasn’t paying attention to how soulbonding works. If Crystal killed Francoque, then Xantony would die, too. That would be so sad!

Webmistress Niki: I’m not sure that’s the big problem.

Belle: Exactly. Clearly the big problem is poor research. If the “author” had just checked the Dorgapedia, she would have noted that Andrinara has no siblings. Especially not ones named Kelsey. The entire story is based on an impossibility. Also, a heart sword does not sound at all scientific.

Claire: It’s true that Andrinara is a lawyer, though.

Belle: And the wings do sound interesting.

Webmistress Niki: I never thought I’d say this, but – can we get back to reading and reviewing romance novels soon?

Belle: Certainly. As soon as you remove all traces of this abomination from the Internets.

Webmistress Niki: …Okay. I’ll get to work scrubbing the tubes right away.

Claire: Anyway, I think Crystal should get five Clars for effort! But next time, Crystal, you should make up your own characters and universe! Like maybe you could write about the heartsword warrioresses of Crystalia or something?

Belle: Or not at all.

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