A free PDF download of the collection is also available.

XOXO,
-Claire

XOXO,
-Claire

You can now read the first part of The Riadorfan Romance Holiday Spectacular, “The BiMoon Solstifest of Light and Love Groom,” online here at Reading by Moonslight! If all goes well, Niki will have the second part, “A Gift of Love (in Both the Emotional and the Physical Sense),” ready for you to read tomorrow.

We hope you’ll like it!

XOXO,
-Claire

“Someone’s going to call your bluff someday, Venetia – you’d better hope it’s not a handsome man.” – Mrs. Charlotte Harris, headmistress.

Lady Venetia Campbell’s visit to her childhood home in Scotland takes a dramatic turn when she’s kidnapped at pistol point by her father’s sworn enemy. Sir Lachlan Ross is widely feared in his guise as The Scottish Scourge, but Venetia remembers her former neighbor as a handsome youth whose attentions she craved. Now a wickedly sexy man, Lachlan’s appeal is even more intoxicating…and much more dangerous. Though Lachlan tries to treat her as his foe, his scorching kisses tell another story. And despite his plan to use her as a weapon against her father, Venetia is determined that Lachlan’s lust for revenge will be trumped by an even more powerful desire…

Webmistress Niki: I chose this book because I enjoyed the first Sabrina Jeffries novel we read so much, and wanted to read more in the series.

Belle: Why are we letting the Webmistress choose our reading material, again?

Claire: Didn’t you like it, Belle? Kidnapping!

Belle: Well, kidnapping, yes. And a near beating to death. And the wildcat. But once again, Sabrina Jeffries has ruined a perfectly acceptable tale of a kidnapped heiress by the son of a wronged man (or is he?) and their eventual marriage with her Pretentious insistence on demonstrating just how much she has researched every tiny detail of this period.

Webmistress Niki: Yes, speaking of the research, I want to talk about the cover.

Claire: Oh, I like the cover! I love the ones where the front cover is all pretty and demure, but on the inside there’s a shirtless man!

Webmistress Niki: Right, but did you notice that in the illustration (which shows a particular scene from the novel), Lachlan’s towel is tartan for some reason?

Belle: Well, it is set in Scotland, Niki.

Webmistress Niki: Exactly! Don’t you see the irony here, in light of Jeffries’s discussion of the way Sir Walter Scott’s pageantry romanticized Scottish culture and made the kilt the universal symbol of Scottish attire?

Claire: Scottish culture is romantic, though, Niki. They have such nice accents!

Belle: And I think kilts are very masculine. Claire, note that for our next novel.

Claire: And kidnapping!

Belle: We’ve done kidnapping, Claire. Remember? Twice.

Claire: Oh, right. Well, it’s still very exciting.

Webmistress Niki: I think we should discuss the story.

Belle: Certainly, if you wish. What is there to discuss?

Webmistress Niki: It’s a pretty complex plot, Belle. And there’s enough sexy stuff to satisfy even you, I’d think.

Lachlan waited until he was sure that Jamie and the lass were well out of hearing, and unlikely to return and surprise him.

Then he unbuttoned his trousers and drawers. Seizing his rampant erection, he pumped it with frantic motions. Before he climbed into that torture chamber of a coach with her, he needed to ease the tension she’d roused. Otherwise he’d never be able to behave himself. He had at least another day of smelling her and hearing her sing and watching her twin beauties rise and fall with each of her breaths.

“Holy Christ!” he muttered as his cock spent itself into the bracken. Just thinking of her breasts made him come off. How the devil was he to last more days with her in a coach?

Belle: I do have to reluctantly applaud Ms. Jeffries for creating a hero so overcome with passion that he succumbs to his mighty urges in the full knowledge that there are protective mother wildcats in the vicinity.

Claire: You know, this is the second novel by Jeffries that we’ve read, and I noticed that there’s some discussion of masturbation in both of them. It’s a little unusual for this genre of romance, and I think it’s quite refreshing. I like the way she portrays a wide variety of healthy sexualities in normative ways.

Belle: …what?

Webmistress Niki: Anyway, I liked it a lot. Five stars!

Claire: I think I’ll name my new kitty after Venetia! Five Clars!

Belle: Two stars – one for the wildcat and one for the bondage.

When Elizabeth Bennet first meets eligible bachelor Fitzwilliam Darcy, she thinks him arrogant and conceited, while he struggles to remain indifferent to her good looks and lively mind. When she later discovers that Darcy has involved himself in the troubled relationship between his friend Bingley and her beloved sister Jane, she is determined to dislike him more than ever. In the sparkling comedy of manners that follows, Jane Austen shows the folly of judging by first impressions and superbly evokes the friendships, gossip and snobberies of provincial middle-class life.

Claire: Niki picked the book this time! Isn’t that nice? She said that we should read it because it’s classic.

Belle: But we were clearly correct in avoiding it for so long

Webmistress Niki: … what?

Belle: I was aware from the very first sentence that this supposedly “classic” novel would be dull, monotonous and Pretentious without validating its claims to real Art.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

Claire: I had to read that a bunch of times before I got what Austen was saying. Actually, I had to read most parts of the book a bunch of times! Which is weird, because I really love Regency romances, and I’m totally used to reading all the funny words like “verra” for “very” and “aye” instead of “yes.” But the language in Pride and Prejudice was even harder to understand! I don’t know what Austen was thinking when she wrote it like that.

Belle: And what she’s saying is ridiculous, because not every single man in possession of a good fortune wants a wife! Often it is entirely the other way around.

Webmistress Niki: You two do understand that this is a Regency novel? And that a lot of the charm of Austen’s work is in the sarcasm and wit?

Belle: Niki, all I am saying is that a sentence like that cannot even be compared to a sentence like this one, which opens one of our most popular novels:

The lush jungle swamps of Horticult beckoned to Liam O’Angel, weary Galactic soujourner and ex-Riadorfan Imperial Fleet Admiral, as someone might beckon to someone they wanted to come closer.

That sentence is evocative, contains excellent characterization, and is completely comphrensible.

Claire: Well, and even after you get past the first sentence, almost nothing happens in this entire novel! It’s just a lot of dancing and talking. No duels or carriage accidents or anything.

Belle: There is almost a duel in several places! But Austen foolishly denies us. Also, she didn’t include the memorable scene where Colin Firth dives into the lake in a white shirt.

Claire: It’s the worst adaptation from a mini-series that I’ve ever read.

Webmistress Niki: … WHAT?

Belle: One star.

Claire: I hope Austen’s next book is better. Five Clars!

Webmistress Niki: … WHAT?

Webmistress Niki: Belle was a little upset, so we took a brief hiatus from reviews.

Claire: But, Belle, don’t you think it’s important for us to encourage young writers, even when they’re scavenging from our corpses? Sometimes a little baby vulture just needs some carrion to get started with! Didn’t you become a writer because you wanted to give Paradise Lost a better ending?

Belle: Claire! Paradise Unlost is a thrilling story of Lucifer building beautiful new wings and flying back to heaven and God apologising! It is Literature, not Fan Fiction. It is nothing like THIS:

Crystal Starbeam and the Heart Sword of Jamerica by Crystal Starbeam.

“Hi Xantony,” Said his mother Andriana who was Queen of Riadorf. “This is your cousin Crystal who’s the adopted daughter of my sister Kelsey. She’s from the planet Jamerica.”

“Hi Xantony,” said the silver-tressed girl with pink glitter barettes in her silver hair. She was five foot eight with a perfect figure who looked like a model and she had deep eyes that were sometimes violet like the dawn and sometimes black like midnight. She also had silver black and violet wings. “Wow your handsome.”

“Thanks!” said Xantony, Crown prince of Riadorf. “You look like a model.”

“XANTONY!!!” yelled his husband Francoque really loudly. “You can’t talk to anyone! Youc an only talk to me!!” And then he slapped him!

Xantony fell into the wall and looked really sad!

“Don’t hurt my adopted cousin!!” Said Crystal. She drew a shining sword from her heart which glowed with a pure pink light. “HEART SWORD IMMOLATION!”

“OH NO!!” Francoque yelled. “My heart! Because it is black it is burning!” And he died.

“Wow thanks Crystal.” Xantony said. “No one would stand up to Frankcqoue before. You have saved me!!”

Crystal blushed and looked really pretty, like a model. “I could only save you because I love you!” she said. “That’ how my magic works I guess.”

“You should get married said Adrianara. “I am a lawyer.”

ThE END.

Webmistress Niki: Jesus Haploid Christ.

Claire: What? No, Jesus wasn’t in Belle’s story!

Belle: It’s difficult to know where to start. First, Jamerica does not appear in any of the extant maps of the Dorgian Galaxy.

Claire: I think the big problem is that the author wasn’t paying attention to how soulbonding works. If Crystal killed Francoque, then Xantony would die, too. That would be so sad!

Webmistress Niki: I’m not sure that’s the big problem.

Belle: Exactly. Clearly the big problem is poor research. If the “author” had just checked the Dorgapedia, she would have noted that Andrinara has no siblings. Especially not ones named Kelsey. The entire story is based on an impossibility. Also, a heart sword does not sound at all scientific.

Claire: It’s true that Andrinara is a lawyer, though.

Belle: And the wings do sound interesting.

Webmistress Niki: I never thought I’d say this, but – can we get back to reading and reviewing romance novels soon?

Belle: Certainly. As soon as you remove all traces of this abomination from the Internets.

Webmistress Niki: …Okay. I’ll get to work scrubbing the tubes right away.

Claire: Anyway, I think Crystal should get five Clars for effort! But next time, Crystal, you should make up your own characters and universe! Like maybe you could write about the heartsword warrioresses of Crystalia or something?

Belle: Or not at all.

Belle and I love getting all kinds of fanmail, of course, but there’s something really special about the pictures our readers send us. It’s really obvious how much our stories are touching people when they go to so much trouble to create beautiful, hand-crafted images like the ones I’m going to show you today. I hope you’ll like them as much as I do! (P.S. Niki says you can click on them to make them bigger!)

This first picture was sent to me by reader S. B.:

Thanks, S. B.! That’s a great spayswurm! But I think you should know, “biteinator” isn’t really a word.

I really like this next picture, which illustrates an important scene from Among the Werepigs of Horticult. Isn’t it creative? I love collages!

Thanks for sending your art in, Crystal Starbeam!

These next two pictures were inspired by Betwixt the Dilemmas of Dashington Station, our newest novelette. OrlandoLover69 emailed me this fantastic photo:

And Piccaso sent in this gorgeous mixed-media illustration:

I love them all, dear readers! Please keep sending in your beautiful artwork!

XOXO,

-Claire

P.S. But don’t send us any fanfiction, though!  It really upsets Belle.

XOXO,
-Claire

Seven hundred years ago, a Black Widow witch saw an ancient prophecy come to life in her web of dreams and visions.

Now the Dark Realm readies itself for the arrival of its Queen, the Witch who will wield more power than even the High Lord of Hell himself. But the Queen is still young, still open to influence—and corruption.

Whoever controls the Queen controls the Darkness. Three men—sworn enemies—know this. And they know the power that hides behind the blue eyes of an innocent young girl. And so begins a ruthless game of politics and intrigue, magic and betrayal, where the weapons are hate and love—and the prize could be terrible beyond imagining….

Webmistress Niki: I don’t even know where to begin. Plot-wise, this is sort of a standard fantasy trope where a prophesied young woman is born to save the world from the vicious and petty-minded. Fortunately, she has super-crazy-awesome magical powers, and after the requisite trauma, she succeeds.

But the entire trilogy is heavily dusted with the literary equivalent of high-grade crack. It’s bizarre and hilarious, and I could not stop reading.

Claire: Hilarious? I thought so much of it was so, so serious!

Webmistress Niki: The male protagonists are named Saetan, Daemon and Lucivar!

Claire: So?

Webmistress Niki: So those are… uh, well, what about the telepathic magic animals? What about the unicorns?

Claire: Oh, I love unicorns! And the ones in this series were so talented! Just look at this part where Queen Moonshadow is described:

While most of the unicorns were some shade of white, there were a few rare dappled grays. This mare was a pale pewter with a white mane and tail. An Opal Jewel hung from a silver ring around her horn.

She was not only a Queen, she was also a Black Widow. The only combination that was rarer was the Queen/Black Widow/Healer. [Lucivar had] never heard of a witch like that when he’d lived in Terreille. In Kaeleer, there were only three—Karla, Gabrielle, and Jaenelle.

Webmisress Niki: Well. Belle, you’re uncharacteristically quiet.

Belle: I am appalled beyond words.

Webmistress Niki: Really?

Belle: Yes. This series is utterly ridiculous and I cannot comprehend how it outsells much worthier works. It’s not even a romance! The protagonist doesn’t even engage in consensual sexual activity until the third book!

Webmistress Niki: In the first book, Jaenelle is twelve.

Belle: Exactly! Why not jump straight to the third book? Why all this pointless setup? Not to mention that some of the terms in this book are completely ludicrous. At one point this Janelle wears a dress made out of “spidersilk”. Spidersilk!

Webmistress Niki: As opposed to “space trousers”?

Belle: Precisely!

Claire: Maybe the first part could have been about the unicorns some more, and Jaenelle could have come in later, when she was already of age.

Belle: Not even that could have saved this book from total incompetence, Claire. Did you not notice that the magic system is completely impossible?

Claire: I don’t really remember. I was a little distracted by the… uh… rings.

Belle: Oh, well, I did like those.

Webmistress Niki: I, too, found the magic cock rings a source of enjoyment.

Claire: It was just so confusing! Not like the talking giant cats or unicorns at all!

Belle: Oh, dearest Claire. It’s quite simple. Cock rings used by the bad women are used to control and punish men who are honourable and good. Cock rings used by the good women are a sign that they honour and respect their mates. Jaenelle, being an especially good character, creates rings that not only honour the men in her life, but also mean she is able to communicate with and shield them!

Claire: Oh. Well that makes perfect sense.

Belle: But only if you accept the magic system, which isn’t based on science at all.

Claire: I guess you’re right, Belle. But I did like parts of this series a lot. So many characters had amnesia! And it was so nice that absolutely everyone was so special and unique!

Webmistress Niki: Especially Jaenelle. Not only does she have a Jewel more powerful than anyone else, she has thirteen of them. Not only is she pretty, but she has eyes that are alternatively sapphire blue and midnight blue. Not only does she have a lover, but he is the sexiest man of all time. And by the third book, she rules a third of the world.

Claire: You make it sound like she’s perfect Niki, but it clearly says in the book that she can’t cook.

Webmistress Niki: Because she’s so powerful that her magic makes the cooking go wrong.

Claire: I know! It’s so sad.

Belle: Enough of this! Let us give the horrid thing its marks and have done.

One star, obviously.

Claire: Five Clars for the special unicorns and the amnesia!

Webmistress Niki: You know, I really liked it, even though I can’t quite articulate why. Four stars.